I think there comes a point in your life when you realize life just isn't going to go in the direction of your heart....no matter how much you give of yourself, it never seems good enough, even for yourself. You get tired of fighting battles, get tired of physically hurting every single day, get tired of rude people, tired of watching the world turn bitter and even when the good comes along, it's not enough to help you or you are just too exhausted to realize it is happening. Time for a change and what that change is, I am still trying to figure out. Time to make some decisions for me and hopefully I will have support a long the way, but if not, I will go alone. 


I will always follow my heart. It is who I am. It's hard to find people who love you for who you are, the good, the bad, the ugly, the crazy.....


to be continued.............................

When normal isn't good enough.

Here it is, another Sunday morning. It's quiet, yet cold. The apartment has a winter chill to it. The sky is blanketed in clouds as the sun decides to sleep in. A soft hum from the furnace fills the air. How much longer will this winter last?

I was reminded today how trying to be normal in an artist world is never a good idea. I spent the morning writing my sister who turned 30 today. I remember being 30. That is when my life began to change. I wanted something more, something different. I was a lost soul, a caged bird who needed to fly. My feathers were dull and lifeless. My life changed at 30...my life changed at 30.......it took several more years to figure out who I was and who I am today. I still struggle to find some sort of balance. I also realized that my depression stems from being caged and unsatisfied. I feel stuck and I am not sure how to fix it. So many people settle, they figure this is their life and this is the way it's going to be, why fight it? 
I am not wired like that, neither is my sister who has much bigger wings than I do. I admire her beautiful feathers. I am craving something so much more. Last Friday I called Mom, sobbing that I was not like everyone else, my thoughts and mind, how I am suppose to live according to societies standards. All the things people tell me I NEED to do... I am not defined by society, yet somehow I am. I hate it. People always tell you that you are responsible for your own happiness, if you don't like something, change it. But if you don't know how, then what do you do?

I am a week behind on my Project 52, mainly due to being sick. Indiana has had crazy weather changes and my body doesn't adjust too well. I am also a little stuck on what to do for the next photo. I have some ideas....it's just trying to execute the idea in a short period of time.


Project 52: Week 9: Sounds.

I am not sure how many people will understand this, but it reminded me of sounds, the way the strings bounced off the guitar against the light....it is more of an abstract piece than I usually do, but there was just just something about it that captured my heart.

 This next photo was one I was just playing around with, another idea that didn't turn out how I wanted it too. I was able to save it and turn it into a self portrait. I was overcome with a sadness while doing this photo. The guitar belongs to my sister, and the thought of her being in Afghanistan kind of consumed my thoughts. I have had her guitar forever. One day I am sure she will want it back. LOL.

Loneliness is a bitter beast in which dragons come to feast

Until next time,
goodbye winter chills, may soft music play, and fat dragons pass you by...
Jo

A Sunday that doesn't feel like a Sunday

I told myself last night I was going to stay off of FB, take a break from social media as I feel at times it can be just too much. I think back when I was younger and there was no such thing as FB, or twitter, or Instagram.....how did we survive? I think we made more of an effort to see one another in person or call one another...now we can just check on each other through a page and a news feed. 
I have been in a dark place for quite some time. Some days are worse than others, but there is a deep rooted hole in the pit of my stomach. My creative juices are alive and bombarding me. I want to create, yet I feel paralyze on how to get what I feel tumbling inside of me out in the open. I am creating like mad, but nothing is satisfying the madness within. Something amazing needs to happen, something that makes people step back in awe. I have some big projects unfolding, but they are a work in progress. I feel time slipping away. I am too tired to keep up. 
People tell me I need some 'me' time, and while that may be true to a point, I think it is something much more and I just can't seem to figure it out. Maybe this is what insanity is like..haha! I am still plugging a long with my Project 52. I am a tad behind, but not enough to worry. I will catch up! :) Some of the themes are a bit tough to come up with a quick idea. My goal is to do something within a couple of hours...to push myself to quit over-thinking and just do. I am very detail oriented and will over think every last detail to the point of exhaustion. So this Project 52 makes do something in a short period of time and make it work.


PROJECT 52: Week 6: Red

 

 I originally started out with one strawberry and it didn't quite have the effect I wanted. My remote on my camera is dead so I had to hit the 2 sec timer and drop the strawberries as the shutter clicked. It took a few tries, but I made it work. I also made a mess with all the water....:)

PROJECT 52: Week 7: Landscape.

                            My love for sunsets and clouds.

Self Portrait: 2014

This is a portrait I did last Friday. I had just closed a chapter in my life and the stress was a bit overwhelming. SO I decided to do a quick shoot with just a wig and some white material and PS. Again, I am trying to train my brain to think quickly, use what I have around me and just shoot...keep shooting, keep pushing forward.... Most of you know I am an avid self portrait taker. There is something so relaxing about it. 

The other day the realization hit me that I really don't have any creative friends who live close.. I would love to go on a photo shoot with another photographer and just create together. I would love to just have someone to hangout with and be crazy with. I miss having a best friend. I have close friends, but not a best friend where I tell all secrets, spend time being stupid; knowing I can be myself, even on the days I don't love myself, that person will still love me... I miss that bond. 

I spent this past week sick, so my diet wagon tipped over, rolled down a hill and caught on fire. I ate everything in sight. I am afraid to weigh myself for fear I might throw the scale out the window. So my Transformation is burning somewhere at the bottom of a hill....I am sure I have a fire extinguisher somewhere...and maybe some glue, tape and a little paint to rebuild the wagon.....it might not be pretty, but as long as it moves that is all that matters, right?

Until next time,
crazy days, brain freezes, and a supply of wagons,
Jo 

Mmmmm, potato soup.

As I sit here, the apartment is filled with a dancing aroma of potato soup. I realized after 2 hours of cooking I forgot to add the sausage and onion....oops! But all was not lost....I quickly cooked up the sausage and diced up the onion and presto...all was well in the cereal box of life I live in.

I have been finishing up some 'me' projects as I have neglected taking time to release my creativity just for the fun of it. I am one of those people who is a mix of an introvert and an extrovert. I need both to exist. Sometimes I can be too overly stimulated by socializing, that I need a break from everyone to recharge. I love people, but I love my 'me' time just as much.

I worked on my project 52 photo this weekend. I had a choice between textures and hands. I tried both and decided on a texture one, even though it didn't get as much love on FB like the hand one did. I always love the photos no one else seems to care for. I have still yet to figure out why that is. I also worked on an art journal. I have never been good at starting an art journal..I always talk about it, buy books on it--yet have always held myself back from diving into it.  We had to do something similar for one of my photography classes, but I never considered it an Art journal..it followed a series of homework projects for the class and was nothing like I had pictured in my head.

I wanted a real authentic looking journal..the kind you see in books. So I decided to give it a go. I am pretty happy with the results so far and I will continue to build on what I have learned. 

The sadness I have been dealing with is still residing deeply in my gut, even with eating healthier, exercising and creating more, it lingers. It makes an appearance unexpectedly, causing a knot to form in my throat, my stomach sickens, and my heart aches....literally. My disappointment in society grows. I see so much bitterness in people...most of them walking around in a zombie like state. I still see some good in people, but it seems the bad always outweighs the good.

I grow closer to my first Transformation goal, I already have a photo idea in mind. Can't wait to execute it. Just a few more pounds to go. :) Then it will be time to add another goal and another photo idea. :)

No matter how hard we try to protect our hearts, they still bleed.

 This was another photo out take on a piece of glass. I love glass and someday hope to be able to take a glass blowing class to learn how to do this. The textures in this are beautiful and I love how the light plays with the translucency of  the glass.

Project 52: Week 6: Texture

I chose this photo because it reminded me of something you would see in the ocean and I love how the bristles look as if they are growing towards the light; as if they are alive.

So this is the start of my art journal. I seriously doubt it will stay in a journal format as I will probably frame each page...haha! I enjoyed doing this and really wish I had more time to do this kind of work. I do have two giant skinny canvases that I am going to do like this. I can see it in my head..just have to get it on paper now.

Until next time,
 May there be paint between your fingers, and warm soup in your belly,
Jo

No more snow, please and thank you.

I have had my blog written down on my to do list for 2 weeks now and have failed each time to actually sit down and write. That's the problem with life, it just sneaks in and sucks up any extra time you might have. I have a lot to share as I continue my Project 52 and my Transformation series. 

This winter has made a lot of enemies with human-kind. People are sick of the dreary weather and snow. For those of us who suffer from depression or are sensitive to the weather changes, it has hit hard. People have become these hideous beasts, knocking down whoever is in their path. It's amazing how the weather can affect us and our moods. I am still battling a great sadness. I am hoping maybe it is just the weather. I know a lot of it is from stress and worry. I feel like I have an elephant sitting on my chest. My sleep is engulfed with weird dreams, and fear. I haven't done a lot of creating like I need too. My body has been riddled with exhaustion. My Dad's birthday was on the 4th, that hit me harder than I thought it would. I posted a message on Fb to him...tears streaming down my face.


Dear Papoose,
My mind was hidden today, lost in thought......my emotions plastered by a poker face. I wish you were here. I thought about what I would get you for your birthday if you were here...nothing came to mind. My heart ached today. Thankfully I had Shelby to keep me in better spirits. I miss you. I want to show you all the things I am doing, I want to talk to you about my fears, about my depression, about my health issues, about life. It's not the same talking into the air and hoping that you hear me. I need to hear your voice. I need to feel your hug. I need to poke your sides, while calling you a Woose. Every time I am out and I see Blue Moon Beer, I think of you and the song Blue Moon arises from my heart. I sing it every time, even if it is just a mere whisper under my breath. Everyone tells me that you would be proud of me, but I think part of you would be sad..I was the one kid you worried so much about....all the struggling I have had to do just to survive. You worried so much about me. I wish I could say I was in a better place, but I am not there yet. I am creating and doing more art, which I know you would be happy about. I am tired Dad. So much is happening to our family, a lot of it is disheartening and it would make you sad if you were here. I am singing Happy Birthday to you Blue Moon style. I hope you know how much you are missed and how much we love you. Happy Birthday Papoose!


I have been doing well with my weight loss...so far 5 pounds gone in 2 weeks. It has been hard, really hard. Food has always been my security blanket, my comfort, my best friend. Now it is just a means to survive, nothing more. It gets easier with time, but the first month or so turns me into a 2 headed fire breathing dragon. Once I hit under 200 pounds I will do a new Transformation photo. 

Ideas keep pouring out of me.....there is so much I want to do this year. I have started a pay it forward journey in which each month I have a drawing and send handmade gifts to the winners. It helps me create, but also helps me ease my depression. People seem to be enjoying it. It has also been interesting to see people's reactions, some people, surprisingly are not appreciative, where others are overwhelmingly happy to have something handmade. I think that is one area of humanity that saddens me, is the 'thank you's' and 'pleases' have gone away. Half the time I never even know if someone likes something I have made...I usually never hear from them again. My fiance tells me that is just the way the world is now. It breaks my heart. 



Here are the past few photos from the Project 52 series:

Project 52: Week 3: Lines

Project 52: Week 4: Temptation

Project 52 Week 5: Natural light

My dream from the other night:

 I was in my old house in Noblesville... There was this tarantula living on my body. I was terrified of it (I am afraid of spiders) I was too paralyzed to remove it. It kept getting bigger and bigger.
 Sometimes it would leave, and I would never know where it went..but then it would reappear attached to my body again. One day I gained the courage the yank it off of me. I quickly wrapped it in strips of white material while it tried to bite me. I just kept wrapping as quickly as I could. I then ran into the kitchen of my childhood home, turned on the oven to 350 and threw the spider in the oven...it instantly transformed; first to a gray baby owl with sad eyes-- which made me question my decision and the thought of opening the oven washed over me until it changed to a face of a old looking man (if you have ever watched Terminator, the bad guy cop and how his face would transform from liquid to a solid form---that is how this looked), then it changed to a gray ashy looking person and so fourth..Their eyes looked up at me in pain as the spider continued to burn. I turned away and looked out this big picture window and a beautiful sky of reds, yellows, oranges was there as I stared in awe of it's beauty---

I think I know what the dream means and what it is telling me I need to do. The hardest part is the 'doing'......or having the faith to just let it all go.



I am off to map out my journey for this week. Zumba tonight....Be thankful you can't see my moves.....:)


Until next time,
wishing winter away,
Jo

Here kitty kitty..

Here is it another Sunday. My heart is heavy. Heavy with worry, heavy with doubt, heavy with emptiness. I can't pinpoint it to one thing. I just feel an emptiness, a huge void that can't seem to be filled, no matter what I do or try. Life itself is wearing me out. I am trying to stay creative, and that seems to be working in keeping my mind off the emptiness. I think artists create some of their best work during the worst voids in their lives. My creative juices have been non-stop. So maybe I should learn to embrace the emptiness instead of fighting it. Or maybe fighting it is what is helping me create? 

I did manage in the midst of all that is going on, to find time to capture a photo for my 52 week project. I got this candle at Hobby Lobby. I was anxious to try it out. I couldn't find our lighter so I had to light it with the stove; an electric stove I might add...which caused quite a smoke storm in the apt. Ooops! As with any photo, I have a vision in my head, executing however, is a whole other dragon. I love candles that drip. There is something so magical about them. Of course everything is drip-less now or battery operated. You see now why I was so excited to find these! I also stumbled across a blog on how to make drippy looking candles from Pringle cans..... I will let you know how that goes. :)

PROJECT 52: WEEK 2: Color

"Color in the Darkness"

It was actually quite fascinating watching this candle burn..it was as if an abstract art piece was forming right before my eyes. I decided to call this, "Color in the Darkness"......













I have also been doing a lot of doodling in the middle of editing photos, creating photo books, etc....Doodling actually calms my restless mind. The squiggly cat that appeared in my head late one night has finally made an appearance...after several attempts to recreate him from what I saw in my head to the paper. I am pretty happy with him. I am thinking of doing a giant canvas of him. Stay tuned. 

I have failed this week on my Transformation series. I ate like I hadn't eaten in months. Sigh. I really want to get the rest of this weight off. My fiance an I did buy healthy foods for this week and I am hoping I might have a better week. I am fighting a health scare right now, which has kicked me into a ravenous emotional creature who is eating everything in sight. I am going to have to have a mammogram to make sure everything is OK. I pray it is. I am not sure how much life energy I have left to fight anymore battles. I will keep creating, keep writing, keep imagining magical creations to help me through all of this and of course pray---I have quite a few prayer warriors on my FB page to keep me going.

Until next time,
yum yums, kitties, and creative monsters,
Jo

Sunday Squishies

I love Sundays. There is something so peaceful about a Sunday. Although it is a bittersweet day, knowing Monday is right around the corner.

My head has been swimming with ideas these past few days. Sometimes I will lie awake in bed, eyes closed, and ideas will pop into the darkness. Last night a black cat made of squiggles leaped into my head. He looked at me with these big eyes and then pranced around, tail dancing in the air as if he were waiting for me to pet him. How do you pet a cat made of squiggles? LOL  He is still in my head waiting patiently for me to bring him to reality. 


  I decided to do a 52 week photo challenge.

This is very time consuming, but  helpful in getting the creative juices flowing. The first week; a self portrait. I love doing these. It has nothing to do with vanity as I hate my photo to be taken, but all about the creative process and becoming someone new. It is very cathartic. My original plan did not work, but I am happy with the results and it nails exactly how I have been feeling.

"Letting Go"

I am going through a lot of changes in my life. Many are very difficult right now. There are things I was hoping would have happen and haven't. But they are beyond my control right now. This photo represents all the pain I am feeling and watching it peel away as I deal with it. Some of it leaving open wounds. I don't expect anyone to understand or even care. Most people think I am weird and too emotionally deep for their liking. But that emotional side of me is what spurs my creativity and makes me who I am.  I also know some people are never who they claim to be. There are people who I seriously thought were friends and I realized I was wrong. This year is  all about letting go. So my photo is called, "Letting Go."

Many of you know my sister is in Afghanistan. It has been a long journey for her and she still has a long road ahead of her. I think about her often. I can't imagine being in such a place. She showed me a photo of a camel spider, it was one of the creepiest spiders I have ever seen. No, thank you! I would probably scream and pee my pants if one got close to me. haha! I am anxiously waiting for some goodies to arrive so I can send them to her. I have been storing away stuff to add to her box. It will be one of the weirdest boxes anyone has ever seen, but she is use to me and my weird ways.

I am also back on my Transformation series. It was put on the back burner last year due to health issues. I started today. The dreaded treadmill and I spent some time together this morning. I can already feel it in my legs and I didn't even push myself that hard. It's going to be a long road....haha! I made the old Grizzly Bear go with me....he growled and hid his face in his pillow, but he eventually got up. I would of sat on him if I had too. hehe. 

Next weeks photo challenge is COLOR.. Stay tuned. I have ideas. Not sure if they will work or not but that is the whole joy of the challenge. Or maybe I have really lost my mind!

Until Next time,

Squiggles and giggles,

Jo