In the junction of trying to find a happy sleep pattern, I am usually trying to find ways to calm my mind so that I can get enough sleep to be able to wake up at 4 am. Most nights I don't win this battle with my mind. It is constantly trying to keep me awake like a 3 year old hyped up on pixie sticks!

I just recently finished a book by Dean Koontz. If you have never read his books, I encourage you to read at least one. I love his style of writing. It speaks to me beyond the words written. I now have to find another book to replace the one I just finished. My fiance gave me a small book called, 'The Angel Inside,' in which all of us has an angel inside of us waiting to come out. The book made some good points as to why we as the human race are so unhappy with life. We fail to find our angel inside. It was actually a simple read, with thought provoking ideas. 
The book basically tells one to follow their passion, no matter who is against us--whether it be our family, our spouse, our kids--whatever the case may be--to follow our dreams. We are the only ones who can make ourselves happy. 

"There comes a time in every person's life when they must decide whether they will follow what they want for their life or what someone else wants for their life." ~Chris Widener, 'The Angel Inside'

How many of us have given up dreams just to keep the people in our life happy? I think a lot of us have at one point. Following your dreams is a hard road, that many will never take. 

The book goes on to speaking about having self-confidence in what you do well and to pursue it. I think for me, personally speaking, as an artist, I fail at this. I never feel I will be good enough at what I do. I could always paint better, or photograph better etc etc. But the book says we all have things we do really well--to hold on to those things and pursue them with passion....Once we pursue these things our confidence will become evident in our passion. 

"Action is the beginning of accomplishment. Without it. you have only wasted dreams and good intentions." ~Chris Widener,'The Angel Inside'

How many times have we told ourselves, "that is my dream one day"....."I am dreaming of the day I can do this or that" You see it will always be just a dream unless you take action. Even if it is just something small. Keep moving. That is what a guy I work with told me the first day I started. "You just have to keep moving." 

The weight loss journey I am on, has to be about me and nobody else and has become one of my passions to follow.. I have to do this because I want too, not because society says I need to be a size 2, or that friends or family or even my fiance would be happier and find me more attractive at a smaller weight. It can't be about that or I am missing the whole point of what it means to have passion for something. It's not my passion if I am doing it for somebody else.

I did a photo shoot the other day and it was more of a sensual shoot. Most women would cringe at the thought of showing their body. I feel that way too, but I did this in a more creative way, not to show too much. It made me feel beautiful. I thought I would hate the photos, but instead I really embraced what I saw. You know what that means right? That not only am I changing the outside, but the inside of me is changing as well. I am learning to love me. You could lose 200 pounds, but if you don't fix the inside, none of it will matter. I lost several fans on my FB page because of this shoot. It bothered me at first, but then I realized I was worrying about other people's opinions, when the only voice I need to listen to is myself.

 My weight loss is 20.4 pounds. I plan on doing another series like this when I reach my 2nd goal and am finally under the 200 pound mark. I am unsure what my weight loss will be at tomorrow's weigh in as I have been hyped up on Easter candy....as long as I don't gain, I am happy. :) 

I was reminded today on how much I miss watching the sun come up. I am hoping to catch a sunrise in the next week. Sometimes it's the simple beauty in life that makes our time here worth it. 

Special thanks to all my loving friends, who have been neglected in this journey of mine. I have been pretty quiet and distant from almost everyone. It's not anyone's fault. I have a lot going on and have days where I am drowning. I know the ones who truly love me will always be there. They understand. But I want each and everyone of them to know I love them always and think about them everyday.

"The most terrifying thing is to accept oneself completely." ~~~~Jung, Carl

Sometimes life is just merely a whisper, while other times, it's like a loud scream you just can't get out of your head.

I feel closed in, yet on the outside of everything. While the world is in constant movement, I am just floating along, being tossed like waves against a brick wall. The world keeps going while I am drowning. This photo represents me drowning in emotion......all of it, the good, the bad, the ugly.

It's been a rough week, I did lose another 3.6 pounds at last weeks weight in. This week I will be lucky to lose a pound. I have been really sick on top of a knee injury..so exercise has been non-existent! .Food kind of won the battle these past few days....with chocolate and carbs leading the way. I think partly it is because I am so tired from the depression.

The fight must go on......to be continued.


When one fights a food addiction, the emotional has to be addressed at all times. It's those emotions that make us become addicted to food. Today I tried a smoothie, it wasn't bad...a little tart, but not bad. It had spinach, flax seed, mixed berries, almond milk, a banana and a scoop of vanilla protein powder. I may have to tweak it a bit for taste.

My weigh in is on Thursday. I just noticed I haven't posted anything for the month of Feb. I couldn't believe that. I am going to try harder to keep up on this blog. I am not sure anyone follows me, but if they do..thanks for the support. I am determined to get my life back.