No more snow, please and thank you.

I have had my blog written down on my to do list for 2 weeks now and have failed each time to actually sit down and write. That's the problem with life, it just sneaks in and sucks up any extra time you might have. I have a lot to share as I continue my Project 52 and my Transformation series. 

This winter has made a lot of enemies with human-kind. People are sick of the dreary weather and snow. For those of us who suffer from depression or are sensitive to the weather changes, it has hit hard. People have become these hideous beasts, knocking down whoever is in their path. It's amazing how the weather can affect us and our moods. I am still battling a great sadness. I am hoping maybe it is just the weather. I know a lot of it is from stress and worry. I feel like I have an elephant sitting on my chest. My sleep is engulfed with weird dreams, and fear. I haven't done a lot of creating like I need too. My body has been riddled with exhaustion. My Dad's birthday was on the 4th, that hit me harder than I thought it would. I posted a message on Fb to him...tears streaming down my face.


Dear Papoose,
My mind was hidden today, lost in thought......my emotions plastered by a poker face. I wish you were here. I thought about what I would get you for your birthday if you were here...nothing came to mind. My heart ached today. Thankfully I had Shelby to keep me in better spirits. I miss you. I want to show you all the things I am doing, I want to talk to you about my fears, about my depression, about my health issues, about life. It's not the same talking into the air and hoping that you hear me. I need to hear your voice. I need to feel your hug. I need to poke your sides, while calling you a Woose. Every time I am out and I see Blue Moon Beer, I think of you and the song Blue Moon arises from my heart. I sing it every time, even if it is just a mere whisper under my breath. Everyone tells me that you would be proud of me, but I think part of you would be sad..I was the one kid you worried so much about....all the struggling I have had to do just to survive. You worried so much about me. I wish I could say I was in a better place, but I am not there yet. I am creating and doing more art, which I know you would be happy about. I am tired Dad. So much is happening to our family, a lot of it is disheartening and it would make you sad if you were here. I am singing Happy Birthday to you Blue Moon style. I hope you know how much you are missed and how much we love you. Happy Birthday Papoose!


I have been doing well with my weight loss...so far 5 pounds gone in 2 weeks. It has been hard, really hard. Food has always been my security blanket, my comfort, my best friend. Now it is just a means to survive, nothing more. It gets easier with time, but the first month or so turns me into a 2 headed fire breathing dragon. Once I hit under 200 pounds I will do a new Transformation photo. 

Ideas keep pouring out of me.....there is so much I want to do this year. I have started a pay it forward journey in which each month I have a drawing and send handmade gifts to the winners. It helps me create, but also helps me ease my depression. People seem to be enjoying it. It has also been interesting to see people's reactions, some people, surprisingly are not appreciative, where others are overwhelmingly happy to have something handmade. I think that is one area of humanity that saddens me, is the 'thank you's' and 'pleases' have gone away. Half the time I never even know if someone likes something I have made...I usually never hear from them again. My fiance tells me that is just the way the world is now. It breaks my heart. 



Here are the past few photos from the Project 52 series:

Project 52: Week 3: Lines

Project 52: Week 4: Temptation

Project 52 Week 5: Natural light

My dream from the other night:

 I was in my old house in Noblesville... There was this tarantula living on my body. I was terrified of it (I am afraid of spiders) I was too paralyzed to remove it. It kept getting bigger and bigger.
 Sometimes it would leave, and I would never know where it went..but then it would reappear attached to my body again. One day I gained the courage the yank it off of me. I quickly wrapped it in strips of white material while it tried to bite me. I just kept wrapping as quickly as I could. I then ran into the kitchen of my childhood home, turned on the oven to 350 and threw the spider in the oven...it instantly transformed; first to a gray baby owl with sad eyes-- which made me question my decision and the thought of opening the oven washed over me until it changed to a face of a old looking man (if you have ever watched Terminator, the bad guy cop and how his face would transform from liquid to a solid form---that is how this looked), then it changed to a gray ashy looking person and so fourth..Their eyes looked up at me in pain as the spider continued to burn. I turned away and looked out this big picture window and a beautiful sky of reds, yellows, oranges was there as I stared in awe of it's beauty---

I think I know what the dream means and what it is telling me I need to do. The hardest part is the 'doing'......or having the faith to just let it all go.



I am off to map out my journey for this week. Zumba tonight....Be thankful you can't see my moves.....:)


Until next time,
wishing winter away,
Jo