My New Super Hero hair. My Super Hero name is: Scarlet Avenger (thanks Jill for the name idea!)

Have you ever just lied in bed, letting your mind wander to a different time and place, wondering what life would really be like if you were a Super Hero or someone else? Would you still have the same cares as you do today? I sometimes wish I had some kind of magic wand to make everything better. I am in a place I don't want to be; emotionally speaking. I am lost, more lost than I have been in awhile. I feel like everything is my fault and the people in my life would be better off without me getting in the way. That's a horrible feeling, and maybe it's a" I am feeling sorry for myself" statement, but my struggles are affecting those around me. I can't help but think that if I wasn't in the picture their lives would be so much better.

This weekend my mind was filled with so many emotions, overwhelming at times. My Mom embraced me and told me we would figure everything out, but I think she has a bit more faith than I do right now. I told her, my only value in this world is what I am worth financially. For some reason, this world just views us as numbers..You are successful if you make a lot of money. I so wish success wasn't based on money. It seems I at times, am not worth people's time, not worth being with, not considered a successful woman because I don't make a lot of money. All these struggles and stress lead to emotional eating. I have been good so far in battling between my security blanket and my health.

When you wake up one day and realize you are 6 pounds away from weighing as much as you did at full term pregnancy, you get angry. You get angry at yourself for letting your emotions take over your life and your health. I will always be an emotional person. Food was my security blanket--note the word "was". I am no longer allowing it to be my security. I refuse to live in this body any longer. I have never thought of myself as being beautiful...most people tell me I am cute, but I will never be the hot woman with the hot body even if I am skinny... Somehow in this journey I need to learn to love myself. People tell me I am so insecure. My insecurities comes from my appearance. I feel like the ugly duckling when I am surrounded by people. I want to hide away in a corner and somehow wiggle my nose and transform into a beautiful swan. I fight so hard to just be me, yet being me seems never enough.

I think my insecurities confuse people because I take so many self-portraits. But my self-portraits are different because I am pretending to be a different person. I get to step into a different role and create. Creating gives me freedom, it releases the restless soul I have.

Week two weigh in: 3.4 pounds! I was pretty stoked to have lost that much. I think having the flu the weekend before helped though. Haha! Billy Blanks has been kicking my butt all over the place. I can't wait to get started this week working out. It definitely makes me feel better, both emotionally and physically. It's hard to get motivated, but once I do it and finish it, it's worth it!

Thanks to everyone who has been following my progress. I am trying to be as open and honest with my struggles because I know there are people out there going through the same thing. I was reminded this weekend how cruel and selfish this world really is and even in death it is just as cruel. Sometimes you have to take the focus off the world and focus on yourself--you are the only one who can make yourself better, make yourself healthier, and happier. That's hard, especially when you have hands pulling you in all directions and especially when you are fighting insecurities. You can do it.

A gift from my boyfriend. I am a huge owl lover!

 

I think the biggest question most people ask, is how do you get started on a weight loss journey? How do you get motivated? We all go through a range of emotions, pumping ourselves up, telling ourselves we are going to do it this time, we are going to workout everyday, eat right.....yet we lose our motivation a long the way---that's because this pesky thing called, LIFE, gets in the way. It takes a lot of focus to lose weight and sometimes we just don't have that extra energy to keep our focus. My focus, is my health--it hasn't been good and my body has been telling me, you better do something now before it's too late.

 I spent the week working out with Billy Blanks, the fitness center, and the park--- and boy did my muscles remind me of not only how out of shape I am, but of my age. It's hard to believe I will be hitting 40 this year. It's not something I even want to think about. Although age is just a number after all and means nothing if you are healthy and happy. 

The problem with this whole getting healthy concept, is that I am an emotional eater and food is my comfort. When that food is no longer there, I tend get really grumpy and agitated--becoming a savage grizzly bear in the winter!  I now know what addicts go through, on a small scale. When you realize that you can no longer overindulge in something that gives you comfort in this very stressful, mean, and selfish world--you become even more emotional! It's like living with a two-edged sword encased in your brain, and no matter which way you turn, you are doomed to suffer. 

Thursday was my weigh in day. I lost 2.8 pounds. I did a lot better than I thought I would. My problem is not so much that I eat bad, but too much. (a 5 pound bag of M&M isn't bad, right?...haha) Portion control is the key in losing weight and I think many of us don't realize how much we eat on a daily basis. Let me give you an example. The other day I had 3 scrambled eggs with a sprinkle of bacon bits, 1 piece of wheat toast with butter and honey, 1 yogurt, and a glass of 1% milk. Now visualizing that, it doesn't seem like a lot of food, but when the calories were added up ( I used MyFitnessPal) I was astonished how much I had actually eaten. 
Total calories were 698! What? That's over half my calorie intake for the day. It really makes you realize how much you really consume in a day. I am now heading into week two weigh in on Thursday the 24th. Fingers crossed-- although I have been battling the flu the past 3 days--that might actually give me a boost in weight loss! There are a lot of changes coming my way and how I handle them is going to determine my success in this adventure. I would be lying if I said I wasn't scared and I feel like crawling in a hole with a endless supply of M&M's and never coming out...I have a mountain of battles for 2013; all of it will be recorded in the Transformation Series...I am determined that my weight and health will become one less mountain!! Thank you for all those who are following my journey and please feel free to ask questions, or comment....

"Vegetables are a must on a diet.  I suggest carrot cake, zucchini bread, and pumpkin pie."  ~Jim Davis

   
 Day 1: Week 1: Transformation: 233

 How does one transformed themselves? You look in the mirror and see something that no one else does. You see something a camera can not capture. Have you ever looked at yourself in the mirror and then taken a photo of yourself? Did you notice the photo, in your mind's eye, looks different then what you see in the mirror?

 We see a face, with flaws, wrinkles, lines, marks, discolorations.....we see life, death, wisdom, laughter, sadness..we see a story unfolding day after day....if one were to write a book about your face, what would it say? How does one change their face? Change their story? I am hoping to find this out.

Wake up Little Bird.

If my face were to tell a story today, it would begin with exhaustion and end with a deep rooted sadness. There would be no happy ending. It's pretty scary to put your face out there, especially when you are feeling vulnerable and weak. You'd hope people would embrace you for who you are, but we don't live in a world like that. We are constantly trying to fit it, yet somehow keep our own identity. 

There is a reason in my Transformation Series for the distorted mixture of photos and Surrealism---and the number 233...which will be revealed later on.

A lot of times we feel out of place in society, in our relationships, and sometimes even in our own family; never thinking we are good enough. There are days we question everything about ourselves....We feel discombobulated..<--that word doesn't get used nearly enough as it should. (I have a few friends who would be proud! ;-))

Not only is the journey about transforming the outside, but transforming the inside as well... I am going to do this adventure a little differently, as it will be filled with artistic photos of myself in many different forms as well as the people who I share my life with....stay tuned. Follow a long if you would like and leave comments if you so desire..... Please remember all rude or negative comments will be deleted. 
 

Two roads diverged in a yellow wood, And sorry I could not travel both And be one traveler, long I stood And looked down one as far as I could To where it bent in the undergrowth;

I shall be telling this with a sigh Somewhere ages and ages hence: Two roads diverged in a wood, and I, I took the one less traveled by, And that has made all the difference.

                                                                          ~Robert Frost

        "Each of us lives in our own nightmare, and to us, at that very moment in                                    time, it is the worse dream ever." ~JOCHS