I was so hoping at this point I would be under 200 pounds. Not yet, my body has decided it is comfortable where it is at! I also haven't been eating the greatest. Between working and sinus infections, I am wore out. I took a break from working out, a 5 day break.....I figured my body could use the rest. It felt good to run again yesterday. Running is one of my favorite things to do. I wish my body agreed with my heart and mind.

Weight loss is 33.8 pounds so far. I am just 1 pound away from my second goal of being under 200 lbs. Maybe this will be the week I finally am out of the 200's. I was kind of bummed the other day when trying on summer clothes from my closet. You know how you have the expectation that losing weight will make all your clothes suddenly feel better? Well, that wasn't the case. My summer pants from last year still fit pretty much the same. So apparently my weight loss is not coming off my legs and hips! hahaha!

I haven't done a photo shoot of myself in awhile either. I need to do something soon. My heart has been wanting to paint..that usually happens when I am really sad. I just want to sit and paint all day. Life hasn't exactly gone as planned, of course, I don't think it ever does. We are just suppose to embrace the life curves, even if it is at 100 miles an hour. I was hoping for change this year, I don't know, something different. I haven't traveled anywhere in a long time and of course, my fiance and I's Chicago trip is a no go this year. I am pretty upset about it. We have gone the past 3 years together. It's pretty much our time away and I get to spend some much needed quality time with him, even though he grumbles about all the lovey dovey crap....haha---plus we get to get away from everything for just a few days. I may have to find somewhere to go, even if it's just for a day or two......



Here is the painting I am working on as of now...........and the journey continues!

"Writing is a form of therapy; sometimes I wonder how all those who do not write, compose or paint can manage to escape the madness, melancholia, the panic and fear which is inherent in a human situation." ~Graham Greene 

 I took this photo for a friend of mine. I know, the dreaded bathroom mirror photo that all of us photographers cringe at...

 I felt like a teenage girl in the dressing room when deciding to get this dress; trying to take photos of the dress to send to my friend, Noelle, to get her thoughts. I wasn't sure if the dress was too loud. I have never bought anything like this. I am usually pretty simple. Most people think artists are crazy in all aspects of life, but for me, even though I love fashion, my style is pretty blah. I think mainly it's due to being overweight and the desire to try and find cute clothes diminishes with every added pound.
Noelle approved of the dress, so I bought it with a gift card that I have been holding onto since Christmas! The dress had partial sleeves, but I opted for a light weight jacket to cover my arms as they still look like overstuffed sausage rolls. Now there's a visual for you. :)

I must say I felt pretty sexy in the dress, even if it was just for an Athletic banquet, it still made me feel beautiful.

My weight loss total 25.6 pounds now. I keep chugging along--inching closer to being under 200 lbs. I will seriously do a happy dance once that happens. Maybe a video is in order to express my ecstatic array of emotions that will be consuming me!

to be continued: 

In the junction of trying to find a happy sleep pattern, I am usually trying to find ways to calm my mind so that I can get enough sleep to be able to wake up at 4 am. Most nights I don't win this battle with my mind. It is constantly trying to keep me awake like a 3 year old hyped up on pixie sticks!

I just recently finished a book by Dean Koontz. If you have never read his books, I encourage you to read at least one. I love his style of writing. It speaks to me beyond the words written. I now have to find another book to replace the one I just finished. My fiance gave me a small book called, 'The Angel Inside,' in which all of us has an angel inside of us waiting to come out. The book made some good points as to why we as the human race are so unhappy with life. We fail to find our angel inside. It was actually a simple read, with thought provoking ideas. 
The book basically tells one to follow their passion, no matter who is against us--whether it be our family, our spouse, our kids--whatever the case may be--to follow our dreams. We are the only ones who can make ourselves happy. 

"There comes a time in every person's life when they must decide whether they will follow what they want for their life or what someone else wants for their life." ~Chris Widener, 'The Angel Inside'

How many of us have given up dreams just to keep the people in our life happy? I think a lot of us have at one point. Following your dreams is a hard road, that many will never take. 

The book goes on to speaking about having self-confidence in what you do well and to pursue it. I think for me, personally speaking, as an artist, I fail at this. I never feel I will be good enough at what I do. I could always paint better, or photograph better etc etc. But the book says we all have things we do really well--to hold on to those things and pursue them with passion....Once we pursue these things our confidence will become evident in our passion. 

"Action is the beginning of accomplishment. Without it. you have only wasted dreams and good intentions." ~Chris Widener,'The Angel Inside'

How many times have we told ourselves, "that is my dream one day"....."I am dreaming of the day I can do this or that" You see it will always be just a dream unless you take action. Even if it is just something small. Keep moving. That is what a guy I work with told me the first day I started. "You just have to keep moving." 

The weight loss journey I am on, has to be about me and nobody else and has become one of my passions to follow.. I have to do this because I want too, not because society says I need to be a size 2, or that friends or family or even my fiance would be happier and find me more attractive at a smaller weight. It can't be about that or I am missing the whole point of what it means to have passion for something. It's not my passion if I am doing it for somebody else.

I did a photo shoot the other day and it was more of a sensual shoot. Most women would cringe at the thought of showing their body. I feel that way too, but I did this in a more creative way, not to show too much. It made me feel beautiful. I thought I would hate the photos, but instead I really embraced what I saw. You know what that means right? That not only am I changing the outside, but the inside of me is changing as well. I am learning to love me. You could lose 200 pounds, but if you don't fix the inside, none of it will matter. I lost several fans on my FB page because of this shoot. It bothered me at first, but then I realized I was worrying about other people's opinions, when the only voice I need to listen to is myself.

 My weight loss is 20.4 pounds. I plan on doing another series like this when I reach my 2nd goal and am finally under the 200 pound mark. I am unsure what my weight loss will be at tomorrow's weigh in as I have been hyped up on Easter candy....as long as I don't gain, I am happy. :) 

I was reminded today on how much I miss watching the sun come up. I am hoping to catch a sunrise in the next week. Sometimes it's the simple beauty in life that makes our time here worth it. 

Special thanks to all my loving friends, who have been neglected in this journey of mine. I have been pretty quiet and distant from almost everyone. It's not anyone's fault. I have a lot going on and have days where I am drowning. I know the ones who truly love me will always be there. They understand. But I want each and everyone of them to know I love them always and think about them everyday.

"The most terrifying thing is to accept oneself completely." ~~~~Jung, Carl

Sometimes life is just merely a whisper, while other times, it's like a loud scream you just can't get out of your head.

I feel closed in, yet on the outside of everything. While the world is in constant movement, I am just floating along, being tossed like waves against a brick wall. The world keeps going while I am drowning. This photo represents me drowning in emotion......all of it, the good, the bad, the ugly.

It's been a rough week, I did lose another 3.6 pounds at last weeks weight in. This week I will be lucky to lose a pound. I have been really sick on top of a knee injury..so exercise has been non-existent! .Food kind of won the battle these past few days....with chocolate and carbs leading the way. I think partly it is because I am so tired from the depression.

The fight must go on......to be continued.


When one fights a food addiction, the emotional has to be addressed at all times. It's those emotions that make us become addicted to food. Today I tried a smoothie, it wasn't bad...a little tart, but not bad. It had spinach, flax seed, mixed berries, almond milk, a banana and a scoop of vanilla protein powder. I may have to tweak it a bit for taste.

My weigh in is on Thursday. I just noticed I haven't posted anything for the month of Feb. I couldn't believe that. I am going to try harder to keep up on this blog. I am not sure anyone follows me, but if they do..thanks for the support. I am determined to get my life back.

My New Super Hero hair. My Super Hero name is: Scarlet Avenger (thanks Jill for the name idea!)

Have you ever just lied in bed, letting your mind wander to a different time and place, wondering what life would really be like if you were a Super Hero or someone else? Would you still have the same cares as you do today? I sometimes wish I had some kind of magic wand to make everything better. I am in a place I don't want to be; emotionally speaking. I am lost, more lost than I have been in awhile. I feel like everything is my fault and the people in my life would be better off without me getting in the way. That's a horrible feeling, and maybe it's a" I am feeling sorry for myself" statement, but my struggles are affecting those around me. I can't help but think that if I wasn't in the picture their lives would be so much better.

This weekend my mind was filled with so many emotions, overwhelming at times. My Mom embraced me and told me we would figure everything out, but I think she has a bit more faith than I do right now. I told her, my only value in this world is what I am worth financially. For some reason, this world just views us as numbers..You are successful if you make a lot of money. I so wish success wasn't based on money. It seems I at times, am not worth people's time, not worth being with, not considered a successful woman because I don't make a lot of money. All these struggles and stress lead to emotional eating. I have been good so far in battling between my security blanket and my health.

When you wake up one day and realize you are 6 pounds away from weighing as much as you did at full term pregnancy, you get angry. You get angry at yourself for letting your emotions take over your life and your health. I will always be an emotional person. Food was my security blanket--note the word "was". I am no longer allowing it to be my security. I refuse to live in this body any longer. I have never thought of myself as being beautiful...most people tell me I am cute, but I will never be the hot woman with the hot body even if I am skinny... Somehow in this journey I need to learn to love myself. People tell me I am so insecure. My insecurities comes from my appearance. I feel like the ugly duckling when I am surrounded by people. I want to hide away in a corner and somehow wiggle my nose and transform into a beautiful swan. I fight so hard to just be me, yet being me seems never enough.

I think my insecurities confuse people because I take so many self-portraits. But my self-portraits are different because I am pretending to be a different person. I get to step into a different role and create. Creating gives me freedom, it releases the restless soul I have.

Week two weigh in: 3.4 pounds! I was pretty stoked to have lost that much. I think having the flu the weekend before helped though. Haha! Billy Blanks has been kicking my butt all over the place. I can't wait to get started this week working out. It definitely makes me feel better, both emotionally and physically. It's hard to get motivated, but once I do it and finish it, it's worth it!

Thanks to everyone who has been following my progress. I am trying to be as open and honest with my struggles because I know there are people out there going through the same thing. I was reminded this weekend how cruel and selfish this world really is and even in death it is just as cruel. Sometimes you have to take the focus off the world and focus on yourself--you are the only one who can make yourself better, make yourself healthier, and happier. That's hard, especially when you have hands pulling you in all directions and especially when you are fighting insecurities. You can do it.

A gift from my boyfriend. I am a huge owl lover!

 

I think the biggest question most people ask, is how do you get started on a weight loss journey? How do you get motivated? We all go through a range of emotions, pumping ourselves up, telling ourselves we are going to do it this time, we are going to workout everyday, eat right.....yet we lose our motivation a long the way---that's because this pesky thing called, LIFE, gets in the way. It takes a lot of focus to lose weight and sometimes we just don't have that extra energy to keep our focus. My focus, is my health--it hasn't been good and my body has been telling me, you better do something now before it's too late.

 I spent the week working out with Billy Blanks, the fitness center, and the park--- and boy did my muscles remind me of not only how out of shape I am, but of my age. It's hard to believe I will be hitting 40 this year. It's not something I even want to think about. Although age is just a number after all and means nothing if you are healthy and happy. 

The problem with this whole getting healthy concept, is that I am an emotional eater and food is my comfort. When that food is no longer there, I tend get really grumpy and agitated--becoming a savage grizzly bear in the winter!  I now know what addicts go through, on a small scale. When you realize that you can no longer overindulge in something that gives you comfort in this very stressful, mean, and selfish world--you become even more emotional! It's like living with a two-edged sword encased in your brain, and no matter which way you turn, you are doomed to suffer. 

Thursday was my weigh in day. I lost 2.8 pounds. I did a lot better than I thought I would. My problem is not so much that I eat bad, but too much. (a 5 pound bag of M&M isn't bad, right?...haha) Portion control is the key in losing weight and I think many of us don't realize how much we eat on a daily basis. Let me give you an example. The other day I had 3 scrambled eggs with a sprinkle of bacon bits, 1 piece of wheat toast with butter and honey, 1 yogurt, and a glass of 1% milk. Now visualizing that, it doesn't seem like a lot of food, but when the calories were added up ( I used MyFitnessPal) I was astonished how much I had actually eaten. 
Total calories were 698! What? That's over half my calorie intake for the day. It really makes you realize how much you really consume in a day. I am now heading into week two weigh in on Thursday the 24th. Fingers crossed-- although I have been battling the flu the past 3 days--that might actually give me a boost in weight loss! There are a lot of changes coming my way and how I handle them is going to determine my success in this adventure. I would be lying if I said I wasn't scared and I feel like crawling in a hole with a endless supply of M&M's and never coming out...I have a mountain of battles for 2013; all of it will be recorded in the Transformation Series...I am determined that my weight and health will become one less mountain!! Thank you for all those who are following my journey and please feel free to ask questions, or comment....

"Vegetables are a must on a diet.  I suggest carrot cake, zucchini bread, and pumpkin pie."  ~Jim Davis

   
 Day 1: Week 1: Transformation: 233

 How does one transformed themselves? You look in the mirror and see something that no one else does. You see something a camera can not capture. Have you ever looked at yourself in the mirror and then taken a photo of yourself? Did you notice the photo, in your mind's eye, looks different then what you see in the mirror?

 We see a face, with flaws, wrinkles, lines, marks, discolorations.....we see life, death, wisdom, laughter, sadness..we see a story unfolding day after day....if one were to write a book about your face, what would it say? How does one change their face? Change their story? I am hoping to find this out.

Wake up Little Bird.

If my face were to tell a story today, it would begin with exhaustion and end with a deep rooted sadness. There would be no happy ending. It's pretty scary to put your face out there, especially when you are feeling vulnerable and weak. You'd hope people would embrace you for who you are, but we don't live in a world like that. We are constantly trying to fit it, yet somehow keep our own identity. 

There is a reason in my Transformation Series for the distorted mixture of photos and Surrealism---and the number 233...which will be revealed later on.

A lot of times we feel out of place in society, in our relationships, and sometimes even in our own family; never thinking we are good enough. There are days we question everything about ourselves....We feel discombobulated..<--that word doesn't get used nearly enough as it should. (I have a few friends who would be proud! ;-))

Not only is the journey about transforming the outside, but transforming the inside as well... I am going to do this adventure a little differently, as it will be filled with artistic photos of myself in many different forms as well as the people who I share my life with....stay tuned. Follow a long if you would like and leave comments if you so desire..... Please remember all rude or negative comments will be deleted. 
 

Two roads diverged in a yellow wood, And sorry I could not travel both And be one traveler, long I stood And looked down one as far as I could To where it bent in the undergrowth;

I shall be telling this with a sigh Somewhere ages and ages hence: Two roads diverged in a wood, and I, I took the one less traveled by, And that has made all the difference.

                                                                          ~Robert Frost

        "Each of us lives in our own nightmare, and to us, at that very moment in                                    time, it is the worse dream ever." ~JOCHS