Driving over to the park yesterday, words far and few in between, my heart heavy with fear that my son who is 14, doesn't need me anymore. He usually talks up a storm, yet he was quiet. I kept thinking of things we could talk about--my mind filled with a bitter emptiness as if I really didn't know my son anymore and I suddenly felt like I was a horrible Mom--- I feel like I have missed out on so much. I let him live with his Dad in 2006. I regret it, every single damn day I regret it. It's not because he hasn't been taken care of---but because he has suddenly became a stranger. I feel like I no longer know him.
I realize that when kids become teenagers they pull away and you, the parent, are suddenly very uncool to be around. Yet, in my heart, I am struggling to find my son again. I don't have the money, or the house or a nice car like his Dad. I am an artist, a photographer, a goofy muppet lover and I am broke most of the time....all the things my son wants nothing to do with. It's like playing the game Connect 4 with square pieces instead of round. Don't get me wrong, my son and I have our crazy moments in where I see glimpses of hope in him. He is not a bad kid by any means...Just way too mouthy for his own good. Haha
We arrived at the park to find the gates closed, so we found another back entrance that happen to be open to the public.. My little car managed to plow through the long winding snow covered road till we came to a small lake. It was so quiet.....solitude can be your best friend sometimes. I managed to snap a few photos of my son. He hates having his picture taken.I kept telling him that it looks bad that I am a photographer and I have no photos of my own son!! We threw snowballs at each other, into the lake, built a fort that looked more like a creature--- and well, just hung out--something we just don't do enough of.
One photo stuck out to me. It will mean nothing to anyone else and honestly I don't care if anyone likes it or not..... The solitude of it, the peacefulness, the one moment in time--frozen.(no pun intended--haha) My son looks like he could be a grown man in this photo. It reminded me of life's fragility. We only have so much time to spend with one another.....I am hoping for change this new year.....something amazing to happen. For those of you watching my "transformation" series..it will continue--stay tuned.
Most of my Blogs have been very expressive in a more verbal emotional tone--not that this one will be any different, but it's geared towards personal goals.... I am not doing this blog for anyone else, but me. This is not to impress anyone. I struggle with a lot of emotional crap. It's a bittersweet battle between my soul, my mind, my heart, and my body. I have a lot of goals for 2013 and this photo blogging is one of them. I have other blogs, but those are merely to vent my frustrations--this one will be similar, but with photos, goals, hopes, dreams, changes, and fears. I am starting a project called "Ineffably Transformably Me"
I, like many women, struggle with body image and self esteem. One of my goals this coming year, as many people will determine to do this too, is to get healthier. My soul doesn't fit my body....to some of you that will make sense. I have other goals..but this is my main one. I will be posting images of my body, in abstract form, real form, and conceptual--all of the photos will be twisted/tweaked in some way and may not make sense to anyone but me. That's OK..this is for me. I will not tolerate any negative comments. I am not doing this for YOU. If this helps someone along the way then that is an added bonus. I will start this journey after the holidays. Stay tuned:
