My New Super Hero hair. My Super Hero name is: Scarlet Avenger (thanks Jill for the name idea!)

Have you ever just lied in bed, letting your mind wander to a different time and place, wondering what life would really be like if you were a Super Hero or someone else? Would you still have the same cares as you do today? I sometimes wish I had some kind of magic wand to make everything better. I am in a place I don't want to be; emotionally speaking. I am lost, more lost than I have been in awhile. I feel like everything is my fault and the people in my life would be better off without me getting in the way. That's a horrible feeling, and maybe it's a" I am feeling sorry for myself" statement, but my struggles are affecting those around me. I can't help but think that if I wasn't in the picture their lives would be so much better.

This weekend my mind was filled with so many emotions, overwhelming at times. My Mom embraced me and told me we would figure everything out, but I think she has a bit more faith than I do right now. I told her, my only value in this world is what I am worth financially. For some reason, this world just views us as numbers..You are successful if you make a lot of money. I so wish success wasn't based on money. It seems I at times, am not worth people's time, not worth being with, not considered a successful woman because I don't make a lot of money. All these struggles and stress lead to emotional eating. I have been good so far in battling between my security blanket and my health.

When you wake up one day and realize you are 6 pounds away from weighing as much as you did at full term pregnancy, you get angry. You get angry at yourself for letting your emotions take over your life and your health. I will always be an emotional person. Food was my security blanket--note the word "was". I am no longer allowing it to be my security. I refuse to live in this body any longer. I have never thought of myself as being beautiful...most people tell me I am cute, but I will never be the hot woman with the hot body even if I am skinny... Somehow in this journey I need to learn to love myself. People tell me I am so insecure. My insecurities comes from my appearance. I feel like the ugly duckling when I am surrounded by people. I want to hide away in a corner and somehow wiggle my nose and transform into a beautiful swan. I fight so hard to just be me, yet being me seems never enough.

I think my insecurities confuse people because I take so many self-portraits. But my self-portraits are different because I am pretending to be a different person. I get to step into a different role and create. Creating gives me freedom, it releases the restless soul I have.

Week two weigh in: 3.4 pounds! I was pretty stoked to have lost that much. I think having the flu the weekend before helped though. Haha! Billy Blanks has been kicking my butt all over the place. I can't wait to get started this week working out. It definitely makes me feel better, both emotionally and physically. It's hard to get motivated, but once I do it and finish it, it's worth it!

Thanks to everyone who has been following my progress. I am trying to be as open and honest with my struggles because I know there are people out there going through the same thing. I was reminded this weekend how cruel and selfish this world really is and even in death it is just as cruel. Sometimes you have to take the focus off the world and focus on yourself--you are the only one who can make yourself better, make yourself healthier, and happier. That's hard, especially when you have hands pulling you in all directions and especially when you are fighting insecurities. You can do it.

A gift from my boyfriend. I am a huge owl lover!