Driving over to the park yesterday, words far and few in between, my heart heavy with fear that my son who is 14, doesn't need me anymore. He usually talks up a storm, yet he was quiet. I kept thinking of things we could talk about--my mind filled with a bitter emptiness as if I really didn't know my son anymore and I suddenly felt like I was a horrible Mom--- I feel like I have missed out on so much. I let him live with his Dad in 2006. I regret it, every single damn day I regret it. It's not because he hasn't been taken care of---but because he has suddenly became a stranger. I feel like I no longer know him.
I realize that when kids become teenagers they pull away and you, the parent, are suddenly very uncool to be around. Yet, in my heart, I am struggling to find my son again. I don't have the money, or the house or a nice car like his Dad. I am an artist, a photographer, a goofy muppet lover and I am broke most of the time....all the things my son wants nothing to do with. It's like playing the game Connect 4 with square pieces instead of round. Don't get me wrong, my son and I have our crazy moments in where I see glimpses of hope in him. He is not a bad kid by any means...Just way too mouthy for his own good. Haha

We arrived at the park to find the gates closed, so we found another back entrance that happen to be open to the public.. My little car managed to plow through the long winding snow covered road till we came to a small lake. It was so quiet.....solitude can be your best friend sometimes. I managed to snap a few photos of my son. He hates having his picture taken.I kept telling him that it looks bad that I am a photographer and I have no photos of my own son!! We threw snowballs at each other, into the lake, built a fort that looked more like a creature--- and well, just hung out--something we just don't do enough of.

One photo stuck out to me. It will mean nothing to anyone else and honestly I don't care if anyone likes it or not..... The solitude of it, the peacefulness, the one moment in time--frozen.(no pun intended--haha) My son looks like he could be a grown man in this photo. It reminded me of life's fragility. We only have so much time to spend with one another.....I am hoping for change this new year.....something amazing to happen. For those of you watching my "transformation" series..it will continue--stay tuned.